Monday, August 18, 2014

Breathe in honesty

In a simple and easy world, people would talk directly to each other. 

Expressing their feelings or emotions truthfully, and  setting up an atmosphere for little misunderstanding. 

But we don't live there. 

We live in a world of pain and confusion and suffering. Where we put up guards of mistrust and misleading in everything we say and do. 

This leaves every situation a puzzle open for interpretation from one person to the next.

 It's no wonder that two people could talk to each other for years and never really know the other. It's no surprise even, for a husband and wife to grow in bitter regret and anger instead of love and admiration.

What are we doing to ourselves?

First we have to look into why we do it.

If we begin to chose our words in a manner to speak with honesty and integrity, the world as we know it would change drastically.

Not everyone will do this, so is it still worth it?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Love is a many splendored thing

I grew up dreaming about love at first sight. Let's be honest, even into my adulthood I pictured meeting eyes with a man and knowing it was meant to be.

Then I grew up and actually had a relationship. Or two, whatever.

So now, when hear of these couples confessing their love or whatever with in the first week..

I know in that moment..

They don't know anything about love.

They honestly don't know anything about each other at that point.

But back to the love thing.. love at first sight. No,... infatuation at first sight..

Because after all the butterflies calm down, and the feelings are no longer exciting and new,
when the infatuation fades.
Will that love you see you through when your too tired to wash a dish or lift a rag after a 12 hour work day?
Will that love see you through bad decisions and grumpy moods.
Will that love calm arguments, and can that love cover wounds?

No it can't. Your love at first sight doesn't have what it takes to make a real relationship work.
That's right I said it. WORK.

Things don't just happen.

They are worked for everyday.

So if you thought somewhere along this journey, that love would see you through?.. Well my dear, love is a battlefield, and Juliet was a fool.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Make it your own

This post sort of goes along with last week. Like I said, I am sick of letting other people define me. This goes for defining my experiences as well. I have people in my ear all the time, your so stressed, your so busy, why are you doing this to yourself...

I am ridiculously busy right now, I am juggling 40 hour work week with 14 credit hours(over full time requirements) of school. On top of that I live on my own, so there are those responsibilities, which do add up, and I'm doing research work with one of my professors, and am in the process of re-establishing a physics club on campus. 

But guess what.. I am doing what I want to do. I don't care that I missed every episode of the walking dead, or don't know anything about Kim Kardashian's life. I am making the most out of the opportunity I have. And instead of feeling miserable and over worked.. I am choosing to enjoy it.

So take that life!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Rough Day

I am sick of letting other people define me...

No one has it all figured out. That is an illusion. We are all stuck in this world, on the same level.

And if you have someone in your ear telling you that they have the answers to this or that? Run for for the fucking hills, because they are more screwed up than you are.

Saturday, January 25, 2014


                       The air was crisp and it burned my lungs. It was cold in a way where you can feel every inch of your face, right down to the tip of your nose. I drew the steaming cup of tea that I held in my hands close to my face. I let myself breathe the aroma in deep, giving way for the vapors to warm that very tip of my nose. Some times it takes being exposed to the elements to feel again, to break out of feeling alone and empty. I sit and I wait. I wait for day to break. I can feel her rising against the backdrop of a dark sky. 

                      Today is a day to myself. Who am I kidding, everything I do is alone. I work alone, I eat alone, I drink alone, and I sleep alone. Unless you count my cat. I watch the world, and no one watches me. At least I feel that way. A faceless body in a crowd of people rushing to be on their way. Going somewhere, doing something. Everyone's business more important than anyone else's business.

Saturday, January 18, 2014


                                                        It is the middle of winter, and a new school semester is about to start. I always worry that I put too much on my plate sometimes, and I get so overwhelmed I end up wasting valuable time trying to focus. I usually attempt to prevent the inevitable by setting up tons of 'schedules'. I schedule everything from sleep to meals to study time.
                                                       My schedule is always packed so tight that I leave little room for 'life' things to happen. Say a teacher holds me after class a little, or traffic was heavy, or my homework took longer than expected. I don't leave my self much room for flexibility. So even though it can really help organization to have some sort of schedule, it is just as important to make sure your schedule is flexible and can roll with the punches so to say.

                                                       I am excited about this time in my life, but I need to make sure I let myself enjoy it. If I don't then before I know it, this time will be over, and I will have missed the whole thing. Leaving myself with only a memory of being there, and experiencing nothing.

On another note. My cats are hyper and hilarious. The end.

Thursday, January 16, 2014


Today got off to a rough start. I am battling my second day with this migraine. Every few minutes I have to stop and take a deep breath, get my bearings, and push through. I know I wont be in this state forever, even if it feels like it. And because of this knowledge I can choose not to focus on the pain, and focus on the future when I am back to normal.

This is a tactic that I think works well in many different situations. It works when you are running, and have to push through the pain. It works when  you are exhausted and sick, but have to push through work, or studying or anything else.

See human feelings, and emotions are a funny thing. They are constantly changing, or constantly not changing.

Let us take love for example. You love your mother (or father, or guardian). Through the years you fight and bicker and disagree,  but there is a consistent feeling of love towards this person that sees through all of this. If you were to focus on that fact in tough times, it could help make those times more bearable. My mom really pisses me off sometimes, but I know I love her, and she loves me, so it makes me try and figure out, why then am I so pissed off. --Honestly, most times it turns out that I am so angry because something wasn't going my way. Like when I called my mother to tell her I got into a program I had worked hard to get into ans she responded with, and how are you supposed to pay your bills? I was angry that she didn't reign compliments and congratulations down upon me, and didn't trust me enough as an adult to have my finances figured out. After being mad for a while and confronting her with this anger she said. "Listen I didn't congratulate you because I knew you would get it as soon as you set out for it, this is the person you are. You aren't a child and you don't need my praise to know I am proud of you. I also know that at your age I was very unstable in my thinking about finances and my future and affected me greatly, and I will never allow that to happen to you." I was literally left speechless.

There is that saying going around and it seems cheesy, but its true..